![]() Once you've finished your checklist, you can start to build a sexual menu, which can encompass all of your mutual likes, dislikes, and things you might be willing to try together. Together, you can use it as an opportunity to showcase the full range of your unique sexuality as it exists for you, and establish hard limits, i.e., sex acts neither you nor your partner want to explore. To get the most benefit out of it, each person should fill out their own, Singer recommended. "If you're starting to have a sense that you and your partner are in different worlds sexually, a yes/no/maybe list can be really helpful," Singer said.Īlso known as a sexual inventory checklist, a yes/no/maybe list is a way to establish what you will and won't do in the bedroom, and you can find templates online or create your own. That's how a list can help you get started. ![]() For many, it can be potentially triggering too, bringing up past traumas, insecurities and/or fears surrounding rejection.Ĭouples should consider discussing sex early in the relationship but approach their initial conversations gently and in the most nonconfrontational ways possible. Regardless of where you fall on the kink spectrum, talking about sex can be intense. Establish a sex inventory checklist-and create a sex menu If anything, just going by labels is liable to create a big divide. Until you start talking with your lover, these labels alone aren't much to go by. One person's kinky sex can easily be another person's vanilla, and vice versa. Although the idea of it may instantly conjure up images of whips and chains, that's not what kink looks like to everyone.Īs recently as the 1970s, oral and anal sex were considered extremely kinky, Queen explained. Vanilla's a very delicious flavor, plus you can put sprinkles on it."Ĭonversely, kink is something that is constantly in flux. "But people who act as though it actually is are being rude and sex-negative. ![]() Of the two, vanilla sex has the persona of being more "old school," Queen noted. To connect with a kinky partner, it's crucial to first understand what kinky and vanilla sex even mean in the context of your own experience.īoth are open-ended and loosely defined because neither is too far off from the other, really-it all comes down to perspective. How do you define what kinky and vanilla sex really means for you? It's not impossible to find the perfect soft-serve swirl to satisfy you both. It can be anything you want it to be-and that's part of what makes it so exciting.īecause of how different kink and vanilla sex seem on paper, the notion of finding a bridge between where you and a kink-leaning partner can meet might seem impossible.īut the truth is, great sex has all kinds of flavors. So, think of it as a piece of rope: It has twists and bends and it may not be perfectly straight when you try to lay it out. "Kinky is anything that's not in a straight line," he said. Kink, on the other hand, is a whole different ball of wax-or rope, if you ask David Singer, a Los Angeles–based licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in kink and polyamory. "The term vanilla sex comes from the BDSM world," said Carol Queen, a kink and sex expert, cofounder of the Center for Sex and Culture and staff sexologist for Good Vibrations.Īccording to Queen, it's a label that's typically used to describe sex that seems traditional, meaning no extra fantasies, roles, sensations or deeds that seem beyond the pale. What's the difference between vanilla sex and kink? ![]() Dating is complicated for a variety of reasons, but when it comes sex, there's no divide as fundamental-or as fundamentally frustrating-for couples as the one that people think exists between kinky and vanilla sex.
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